TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely from put. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Indeed, sure, let's have another spot where American Gentlemen can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: offer you Anyone a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must halt working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially Trump Tower Damascus referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by company might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is previously attracting consideration from Intercontinental traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD can have transform-down assistance."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It necessary a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave it all a few. You happen to be welcome."

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